Mental Health Awareness Deserves More Than One Day or Month

Mental health awareness day (October 10) and month (May) always hits me a little strangely. For most of us, every month and every day is dedicated to mental health awareness, because the fight never fades. To those who may not be aware, this might sound overdramatic. I can assure you, it’s not. Some people carry their loads more effectively than others and may not understand that for mental health sufferers, every second can be a burden–especially on a bad day.

I don’t typically like publically delving into the state of my mental health, but providing a snapshot could help people understand what their loved ones may be struggling with. As with most people who fight battles within their brains on the regular, I’m a productive citizen who easily socializes with people. I love talking with and helping others, and I love teaching. Though, if something adverse were to happen during the day, my anxiety has the tendency to agonize about it long after an appropriate length of time. At its worst, my anxiety can cause me to second guess and over analyze every single social interaction and nonverbal cue. With some cognitive behavioral therapy and conditioning, this has dramatically decreased in frequency over time. It’s actually nice to think that this part of my mental health is no longer nearly as big a burden.

When I’m alone, things are typically worse. First there’s the health anxiety (which we would traditionally call hypochondria) which leads me to believe that everyone I love along with myself is going to die of a terminal illness…in the near future. Kid’s got a cough? Lymphoma. The other kid has a persistent rash? Leukemia. Husband has a mole? Melanoma. I have stomach discomfort and back pain? Ovarian cancer. Every single moment of fussiness and health anomaly is transformed into a dire worry. This is something we’re clearly still working on in my therapy sessions (there is no shame in this), and staying mentally occupied with projects along with self-talk and evidence based fact charts are mostly effective for now. 

Daily routines are especially difficult. If I fall into too much monotony, there’s more room for anxious thoughts and worry to creep in. However, when I plan activities, there’s more room for error, as unplanned tantrums and needs can occur with my children. What if I miss an ideal nap time? What if someone needs to eat? Oh well, might as well just wait to go somewhere after the kids are asleep. When they’re asleep, I’m exhausted, so it’s best to just stay home entirely. Then there’s the fun activity of self deprecation after I do stay home because I feel like a complete failure.

Even typing this seems ridiculous to me, because I know there are simple remedies to these issues. I do worry about disturbing naptime frequently, though, because naptimes are SACRED. That’s beside the point. At its worst, my anxiety can cause me to make a lot of excuses for not going out with my kids. This is a hurdle I frequently have to talk myself through.

Most issues are ones of which I can get through with some affirming self talk and some quick journaling. The problem is that these obstacles are constant in someone who suffers from anxiety. Medication can definitely help take the edge off in that they are not quite as debilitating. (For example, I can remember feeling literally paralyzed by my anxiety when I was younger and so full of worry and dread that I couldn’t move. Thankfully this is no longer the case.) 

For now, there is just a tremendous amount of daily mental work to be done. To stay healthy, I must get adequate sleep. Having two kids under four makes that challenging. Having an empathetic and understanding husband with a more flexible work schedule helps. I also need to exercise, take my medicine regularly, see a therapist, and stay on top of things at a reasonable pace so I don’t feel like I’m completely overwhelmed by the daily grind in addition to my anxiety. Yoga helps. Writing helps. 

When my immune system decided to rebel against my body last year, self care grew more difficult. Lengthy flare ups of exhaustion and pain made for a body that could not keep up with a racing mind. I’m still learning how to deal with it–another new hurdle. Planning and staying motivated by projects for others or around the house can keep my mind in a healthy frame whether or not my body cooperates. Planning projects surrounding my kids are even better.

Simply put, mental health is a never ending journey. Parts of my life that improved with time yielded to other aspects that only worsened. I’m working on it all at once. And I am ACTIVELY  working on it too…on top of being that productive citizen with two children. Most people who suffer from mental health issues are. Many are doing a ton more than I am. They deserve all the respect and all the awareness. Mental health awareness deserves more than a day or month.

Bodies after Babies…

It’s been 15 months since giving birth to my second sweet girl. You would think that’s long enough for things within the body to settle down, but NOPE! With craziness still happening within my thyroid, literally anything is possible.

Because of breastfeeding, stress, and probably thyroid issues, I lost an unhealthy amount of weight by the time we reached the nine month mark. My yoga pants were scary loose. My doctor husband even told me to eat as much as possible, whenever I wanted. For a while I even thought I was dying.

Then finally after a non-threatening diagnosis and a difficult decision to wean my baby earlier than I wanted, my body started feeling better again. I gained weight while maintaining a healthy workout routine and went back to eating a normal, semi-healthy diet. There were definitely health setbacks with having an autoimmune disease, but c’est la vie. Pre-baby body was definitely coming back…

…except that it got weird. Really weird. Fast forward to swimsuit season, and the changes were glaringly obvious. Some things came back but in much different proportions. Nothing fit like it did after Baby #1. I needed to do some shopping. I googled tons of tips on how to buy a bathing suit for my new figure, knowing that while I couldn’t change it, I needed to accept it and hopefully (and eventually) celebrate it. I went shopping for other garments as well, knowing that my self esteem had definitely spiraled downward in the past year partly due to my evolving appearance.

Armed with my purchases from Amazon, Target, Macy’s, Loft, and any other retailer I have frequented, I was determined to feel good about getting dressed again–whether it be regular clothes or bathing suits, or simply a bra and underwear. Yeah, I know it sounds vain, but we owe it to ourselves to want to look good especially after our self esteem (about our looks) hits rock bottom. My husband has always told me I looked great, but I wanted to believe it for once.

And that’s okay.

Along with everything else, this is a journey. I’m working on acceptance every single day. I owe it to my daughters to do nothing but emanate the message of body positivity. They deserve a mom who will wear whatever she feels right wearing. They deserve a confident mom, and I am working on it.

My youngest and me, June 2019
(My 3 year old can NOT be bothered to stand still for pictures)

Here goes…

July 1, 2019

I’ve been writing for years, but recently I’ve had the desire to go a little more public with writing again. It always seemed to help me with accountability before. And now, with not having much of a career on which to focus my never ending waterfall of thoughts, I need some sort of project that is solely mine.

When I first resigned from my teaching job, I had a math blog and website attached to my Youtube channel. (I still offer my services for homework help in person and in videos.) However, that project became too detached from my identity, especially after having my second daughter in the spring of 2018. At that point there was no question that I’d be sitting out of my career for a few extra years while I spent this crucial time at home with my babies. 

Though I miss my career, there is nothing drawing me back now. I love breakfasts with my girls, staying in pjs and playing while I drink my coffee in the mornings, rocking the baby to sleep, and reading books with both of them on my lap. This is what works best for my family in our current season of life.

That being said, I have a tendency to feel like I’m losing my mind out of isolation and lack of direction. (I have a part time job and do plenty with it during the school year and even keep up with it over the summer, but it’s not anything too consuming.) Having a history of generalized anxiety does not help, as I am often trapped inside my head, drowning in worries. This new “project” of blogging can hopefully help. I also hope it can help any readers feel somewhat less alone in navigating the ever-changing landscape of motherhood.